Why we blame our men

There is a notable difference between the messages I get from men and those I get from women when I speak with them about how things are going in their tango. 

The men usually confide in me about their frustrations with feeling weak in specific skills, or about other shortcomings they perceive in themselves, such as monotony in their repertoire of movements or in their musicality. Many tell me about their fears and insecurities in the tango environment. 

Women who speak to me about issues in their tango lives, with few exceptions, also tell me about their frustrations . . . not with themselves, but with the MEN at milongas and with the whole tango environment!  

Some women feel it’s not worth getting dressed up and driving miles to a milonga because they’re not going to be invited very much.  They say that the men either dance with their friends or with the youngest, slimmest, prettiest girls in the room. Some women say the men are all looking for more than a dance, whether it’s long-term romance or a fling, and once they understand that you’ve only come to dance, they lose interest and invite the women who seem more available. Tangueras often complain to me about the culture of the milonga being cruel to women and allowing men to be rude.  I hear, “I don’t see why I should be having these problems; I’m a pretty good dancer.”

A red flag always goes up for me when someone points a finger outward for the cause of a problem they are experiencing.

I used to blame the men, too.  I especially blamed the men with whom I wanted to dance, and who didn’t invite me, when I thought I was quite an advanced dancer.

The situations that make a woman complain about the men and about the environment may seem painfully real to the woman experiencing the disappointment.  But I believe that these are just excuses that her mind invents to prevent her from seeing where the true problem lies!

Blaming the men reveals a dependence on them; the tanguera's experience in a milonga depends on the men who invite her.  

That’s because women often depend upon the man for the quality of their tango. 

Here’s why:

If a woman doesn’t have true mastery of her own axis, she depends on the man for her balance.  Even if this dependency is subtle, it is nonetheless a dependency she brings into every tango, with every man.  Unconsciously depending on the man even a little bit for our balance can lead us to feel that he is responsible for the quality of our dance. A man who is a master of guiding the woman’s axis can make a woman feel like she is Geraldin Rojas, but it is HIS skill, and not hers, that is determining her perceived quality of the dance.  After a number of tandas in which a skillful tanguero takes care of his partners’ balance, he is going to want to seek out tangueras who can take care of themselves and be free to really dialog with him in the music.

When a woman has true mastery of her axis, it gives her confidence and a sense of wellbeing that she radiates as soon as she walks into the milonga.  That’s one reason that some women get invited often, and usually by the better dancers.  Though she may be selective, such a woman can still experience joy from within herself when she dances with partners of all levels.

I could write at length on a variety of women’s tango skill deficiencies, such as how most women chronically truncate their steps or pivot to an arbitrary degree, unaware that both the precise length of step and the precise degree of pivot are led by the man. With the right training, the awareness and skills can be developed in minutes, and transform a woman into a more desirable dancer!

But most tangueras don’t have a clue that they lack mastery in such areas of following, and they think their balance is fine (because they steady themselves just a bit on their partners).  Not having any idea that gaps in their own tango skills could be the cause of their unsatisfying experiences at milongas, they look around for probable causes.

I have learned that whenever I catch myself blaming someone else or outside circumstances for my discomfort, inconvenience or unhappiness, I can rectify the situation by looking for the cause of the problem within myself. The truth may hurt at first, but it really does set you free!

If you are a tanguera who has pretty much given up on going to milongas, because you’re sick and tired of the attitude and behavior of the men, I suggest you take a few steps back and do some self-analysis.  What might it may be about your own skills or your own behavior that limits your enjoyment of your tango?  (Even if you are a confirmed and happy "tangoholic", asking this question could be a boon to your tango.) *

Happy Thanksgiving! Let's be thankful for our two legs and two feet to move us across a dance floor, and for our two arms to embrace and enchant our partners!  In fact, let's be thankful for both our bodies and our souls that can fully come alive when we dance tango.

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* My Diagnostic Evaluation that starts every Private Coaching Intensive for women begins with a “check-up” of 12 women’s skills for all levels, and for intermediate and advanced dancers adds a series of commonly used figures. The check-up reveals the areas that are limiting you in your tango!  At the end of your Diagnostic Evaluation, we decide together on which priority areas we will focus for your Private Coaching Intensive.  Next, we polish up your “Advanced Tango Fundamentals” - the 6 very essential skills that tango teachers usually ignore or gloss over, and follow with deep "laser-coaching" on the areas we determined would make the quickest and biggest positive impact your tango!  See Sheila’s testimonial about her full-day Private Coaching Intensive last week.

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Let me hear your thoughts in the comments section below!

What Homeless Oscar taught me about YOUR tango!

On my second visit to Buenos Aires in 2000, when I was already a 5-year tanguera, I stayed once again at Maria Teresa Lopez’ “tango house”, the large apartment where she hosted tango people from around the world.  While this time around I felt comfortable hopping into a cab and going to any milonga myself, I still loved it when Maria Teresa said to me, or to a small group of her guests, “Let’s have dinner together and go to ‘El Viejo Correo’ or ‘Lo de Celia’ tonight.”  The waiters in the neighborhood all knew her and treated us royally.  We would always order a nice red wine called “Lopez” in Maria Teresa’s honor.

I believe that it was at the milonga “Lo de Celia” (photo at right shot in 2002 by my friend  Rob Nuijten, "El Torito" from Amsterdam) that Maria Teresa briefly introduced me to Oscar, as we walked in and greeted her many friends. During an interval between tandas with various milongueros with whom I had already been dancing regularly for a few weeks, Maria Teresa drew my attention to Oscar on the dance floor.  About 5’10”, slim, and perhaps in his 60‘s, he was dark-skinned, with a short mop of black, Harpo Marx-like curls.  He wore a dark blue suit jacket that looked a little frayed and shiny in spots, and trousers of a different dark color. As he danced, he always had a little smile of pleasure on his face.  

Maria Teresa told me,  “Oscar has no home.  He lives in the subway.  But he’s a beautiful dancer.”  I asked, “Then how does he pay to come to milongas?”  She answered, “No one ever charges him.”  I asked, “He doesn’t bathe?” She answered, her eyes twinkling, “Once in a while he puts on a few drops of eau de cologne”, dabbing delicately with her finger under each ear.  What a contrast this was to my experience with most of the 60-to-90-year-old milongueros, who were always impeccably groomed and smelled wonderful.


I watched Oscar on the dance floor, observing both his joyous and finely-tuned interpretation of the music and the look of pleasure on the face of the woman with whom he was dancing heart-to-heart and cheek-to-cheek.  I knew immediately that THIS Jewish American Princess from New Jersey was about to undergo another step in her evolution.  Maria Teresa asked, “Would you dance with him if he invited you?”

I calmly answered, “Yes, I would.”  I understood that Maria Teresa didn’t propose a 12-minute set with homeless Oscar to all of her guest tangueras from abroad, and that Oscar didn’t venture to invite them without checking first with her.  She must have winked or nodded to him that it was okay, because he soon invited me with a "mirada y cabeceo" (catching my eye and nodding his invitation) from across the room.  I was natural and relaxed, amused inside about how far I must have come to be happy and curious about opening my heart to tightly embrace an “untouchable”.  I knew that he was going to give me a priceless gift.



Still, I confess that when Oscar met me on the dance floor in front of my table, and I received his embrace, the thought flashed through my mind that my mother might be horrified if she knew.  Oscar did not smell too bad, just a little stale.  I noticed no perfume. His expert embrace was so comfortable and comforting!  He danced smoothly, softly, and rhythmically and before long I had a big smile on my face because his musical interpretation was uniquely his and a pure pleasure.

When he brought me back to my table, I was aware of having “Oscar essence” on my clothes and skin. (I said this was “a step” in my evolution, not that I had "arrived". [Wink!]) But that didn’t stop the other milongueros from inviting me for the rest of the evening.  

I enjoyed dancing with Oscar a few other times before returning home to Italy.  Maria Teresa later mailed me a photo of Oscar and me smiling for the camera in a half-embrace, like old friends.  A few years later, when I inquired about him, Maria Teresa told me that, sadly, he had passed away. With all my relocations, I haven’t been able to find that photo, which I wanted to share with you. I recently found a 2004 video from a Buenos Aires milonga in which I recognized Oscar, dancing right behind a famous couple.  He had become stooped and he had slowed down, and his mop of Harpo-curls drooped, but I recognized his form and embrace after all these years.  

I’m sharing this reminiscence with you to pay homage to a milonguero who, regardless of his being what we would call “destitute”, had let his joyous soul shine through to me.  I received that experience as a priceless gift. 

What did I learn about YOU and your tango from Homeless Oscar?

YOUR soul is very special.  There is nothing like it on earth.  Don't make light of how special you are. 

The real goal of tango is to let your unique and joyful soul shine through your dance to any partner you embrace.

I believe that tango lovers get hooked on tango because, whether or not we are conscious of it, tango, in essence, is about experiencing and expressing pure love.

Let me hear from you!  Post your comments here below.